It was going so well
For weeks, maybe months, things went well. You dared to relax again. And then you notice it: your loved one is drinking again. Disappointment, fear, anger, sometimes all at once. And the question that lingers: was it all for nothing?
"It was a huge disappointment every time. We had often seen signs already, but we would wait a while, until I wasn't the only one who saw them. Then we talked it over together and concluded that it was probably going wrong again. When we raised it afterwards, there was denial. It only really came out once they had already slid very far. I wanted to prevent that slide next time. It is one of the reasons I built Sobreasy: so that as a circle we notice sooner when things are hard, and can help sooner."
Friso, maker of Sobreasy
A relapse is not the end
Recovery rarely runs in a straight line. A relapse hurts, but it doesn't erase the sober period before it. Those days, weeks or months really happened, and what your loved one learned in that time is not lost.
For the person themselves, a relapse is often at least as hard. Shame and guilt are close to the surface. How the people around them react makes a big difference then: it can lower the threshold to start again, or raise it.
First: safety
If your loved one has been drinking heavily again for a while, stopping again can cause physical symptoms, just like the first time. Talk to a GP, ideally before your loved one stops again. In case of a seizure, hallucinations, severe confusion or heavy shaking, call your local emergency number straight away (112 in the Netherlands and the rest of the EU). You can read more about those first days in The first week without alcohol.
What you can do
- Stay calm, even if it's storming inside. What you feel is allowed. But the first conversation goes better without reproaches. There is room for those later.
- Ask what happened, without an interrogation. "Do you want to tell me how it went?" opens more doors than "Why did you do that?".
- Look ahead together. What does your loved one need now to start again? Perhaps different agreements, or (more) professional help.
- Keep your boundaries. Showing understanding doesn't mean anything goes. What you agreed before can still stand.
- Take your own feelings seriously. Disappointment and anger are understandable. In Is it okay to be angry at someone with a drinking problem? you can read how to deal with them.
"What helped us was above all giving a lot of support again. And being very clear: if they themselves want to stop and do everything it takes, even if that means being admitted to a clinic for a while, we will always support and help."
Friso, maker of Sobreasy
Starting again
Starting again after a relapse is not a failure. It is another attempt, and it deserves the same support as the first. Every situation is different, so if you are unsure what is best now, talk to a GP.