Angry, and then guilty about being angry
A plan that fell through. A birthday that went differently than you hoped. A promise you had heard before. If you are close to someone with a drinking problem, you know the feeling: you are angry. And right after that, doubt often follows. Is that allowed? Isn't it an addiction?
"After yet another relapse, just when things were going so well, I noticed I was getting angry. But I also quickly realised that the person themselves really doesn't want any of this. That makes it very conflicted, and very hard."
Friso, maker of Sobreasy
The short answer: yes
Anger is an understandable reaction to what you are going through. You can be angry and love someone at the same time. The two don't rule each other out.
That addiction may be involved explains a lot. But it doesn't make the consequences for you any less real. You are allowed to feel what you feel, even when you understand where the behaviour comes from.
It helps to make a distinction. You can be angry at the drinking and at what it does to you both, without rejecting the person.
What you can do with your anger
Being angry is not the problem. What matters is what you do with it. A few things that can help:
- Choose your moment. A conversation about what is bothering you lands better when the other person hasn't been drinking and you are not at the height of your anger.
- Say what it does to you. "I was shaken when you didn't turn up" lands differently than "You always do this". For more on words that help, read What do you say to someone who has just stopped drinking?
- Give it a place outside the other person. Talk about it with a friend, someone who recognises it, or your GP. You don't have to unload it all on the person themselves.
- Setting boundaries is allowed. Saying what you will and won't accept is not a punishment. It helps you both know where you stand.
And if they have just stopped?
Sometimes the anger surfaces precisely when someone has stopped. The danger seems smaller for a while, and there is room for everything that happened before. That is understandable, and it doesn't mean you are any less behind them.
It can help to hold off for a while, though. In the first weeks, your loved one often has enough to carry already. You can read what happens in that time in The first week without alcohol.
If it doesn't feel safe
Do you feel unsafe because of the other person's behaviour, or is anger tipping over into threat, on either side? Then seek help, for example through your GP. In an emergency, call your local emergency number (112 in the Netherlands and the rest of the EU).